Actually, It Isn't About You.....

It isn't about you......

And that can make you feel defensive or free.  Depersonalizing other people's actions from your own feelings of worth is a superpower needed in today's world, where anything and everything can feel like a personal attack of our identity, our values, our work, and our worth.  I'm sharing a recent example from a client to demonstrate how it can help to depersonalize other's actions, without giving up your pride or value.

Not taking it personally

I have the most amazing clients - for real.  When they share their disappointments and how they have been treated, I feel it. 

And then my training kicks in and I get curious. 

Recently a client shared a disappointing situation where she put in a lot of effort for a volunteer cause and was then told that the event would not happen due to outside circumstances.  The icing on the cake?  She didn't meet some overlooked criteria for membership so in addition to the first disappointment, she would also be removed from the roster.

Ouch.

So we dug in.  Her feelings were valid, and they needed and deserved to be felt, shared, and released.  That is step one.  Don't shove the feelings down - feel them.  Let them out into the air and accept them for what they are - temporary feelings.

In addition to the disappointment, there was a feeling that these circumstances were directed to her personally.  At first glance I can see why.  But the reality in this situation, and almost all situations, is that there is a combination of events, history, and unknowns in addition to you and your actions.  

And most times none of it has anything to do with you. 

This organization didn't hold up their end of the bargain.  It could have been because they didn't respect my client.  But it is more likely that they had internal competing demands, were short-staffed, or didn't have the resources needed to prioritize it. 

They clearly didn't do their diligence up front to ensure my client met the requirements.  An oversight/misunderstanding.  A big one, but still, an oversight.  Humans are imperfect and while I am all about accountability, sometimes sh*t happens. 

They were cold about the situation.  Again - it could be because they hated her.  But in reality, they were probably busy.  Maybe they have been in trouble for this kind of thing before and needed to fix it right away.  Maybe they were being scrutinized by management or an outside agency. 

At the end of the day - the details don't matter as much as the reality that it wasn't about my client.  Maybe it should have been.  But it wasn't.

I helped her recognize that even though it feels unfair, this isn't her fault or a personal attack.  This helped her let it go and move on to more productive, energizing activities.

The coolest part?  It led to her own realization that she holds others to the standard that she holds herself, a deeply-rooted high standard reinforced by her family since she was a child.

Wow!  Talk about turning the tables from "this happened to me" to "I understand myself and my feelings more deeply and can explore this realization for my future benefit". 

THAT is true empowerment.

THAT is the power of not taking things personally.  You shortcut the drama and story-making in your mind.  You let go of the defensiveness and stop draining your energy.  And you start to reflect on what is in YOUR control - which includes your mindsets, beliefs, feelings, and actions.

You can lose hours, days, or weeks mentally "defending" yourself against something that was never personal in the first place.  And the only person that loses in that scenario is YOU.

Are there times that things are personal?  Sure.  But most of the things you think are personal really aren't.  I once had someone tell me I annoyed them because I reminded them of their b*tchy sister-in-law.  I had a boss give me such attitude that I knew I must have messed up, just to find out later that he didn't sleep and had a minor car accident on the way into the office.  Life happens.

Want to know for sure?  Ask.  You may get a straight answer or not.  Maybe asking isn't possible based on the circumstances.  Do what you can.

If you feel you could've done something better, then take it as a learning experience and bring the lessons forward with you.  Otherwise, let it go.  It is over.  And whether you take it personally or not, it is going to be what it is going to be.

You have a choice where to spend your energy and focus.  Take it back.  Benefit from self-reflection and move forward with more ease.  "If it is out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too" ~Unknown.

Enjoy the freedom of knowing that it isn't about you! 

Cheers to freedom,
Sharon

PS - If you know you are being attacked, discriminated against, or otherwise personally targeted, seek the correct support to help you move forward.  Outside perspective and support is crucial to detangle fact from feeling, especially in an emotionally charged situation.  Feel your feelings.  Empower your action with facts.

Gain Clarity

You deserve a life you love.  I can help you gain clarity on how to enjoy life AND succeed, and the tools you need to make it happen.  Whether it is to better enjoy the present moment or to set yourself up for success for the rest of this year, I offer clarity sessions, consistent support, and accountability through several options.  Schedule a free, confidential strategy call by CLICKING HERE (Choose Free Strategy Session) and we can decide what's best for you.

Life is too short to keep putting off what you really want.  Don't stay stuck feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and unsatisfied.  I've helped so many improve their happiness, well-being, and success because they chose to schedule a call and take one step towards the life of their dreams.  I can help you too.