Why Is It So Hard To Set and Keep Boundaries?
Boundaries - so important yet so hard to keep
Why are boundaries hard to keep? It usually boils down to a limiting belief about doing or not doing "that thing". Our fears, identities, perceived obligations, and desire to please others all get in the way of enforcing the boundaries we need to be healthy, focused, and productive. But we have the power to examine those fears, identities, obligations, and desires and establish realistic boundaries that help us (instead of making us feel even more guilty when we don't enforce them).
The end result? Freedom. By creating boundaries around our time and energy, we give ourselves freedom to be where we are and focus in the moment.
Enforcing Boundaries
Most people I talk to want better boundaries between work and home. They want time to be focused in each area of their life AND have time to themselves.
Remote work and technology allow work to spill into every facet of life, and vice-versa. Which is so stressful! But there is a way to reduce that stress and create healthy boundaries that serve you. The following 4-step process can get you where you want to be:
Envision the benefits of enforcing your boundary
Identify what gets in the way of enforcing your boundary
Test the validity of what gets in your way
Intentionally CHOOSE where you will focus
Step 1- Recognize the benefits of your desired boundaries. Get really clear on what a particular boundary will do for you, how it will feel, and envision yourself living within in. If you want to be focused and present with your family/friends - get really clear on your WHY.
Imagine being engaged, feeling present, and feeling at ease with your family/friends without worrying about anything else. The more you can imagine how it will really feel, the more motivated you become to actually set and enforce the boundary. Thinking something is one thing - but feeling it brings it to an entirely different level.
Step 2 - Identify what gets in the way of enforcing your boundary. It is easy to put the blame on others (IE my kids walk into my office when they get home from school, my boss emails and texts me on evenings and weekends, my colleagues double-book meetings and Slack me all day, etc.) While this may be true, they aren't the entire reason why you aren't enforcing your boundaries.
Look at the list below and ask yourself what gets in the way of enforcing your boundaries? Once you recognize what it is, test the validity of that assumption.
Step 3 - Test the validity of the reason you aren't enforcing your boundary. Is it really true? Or just an assumption you've made?
If you want to claim your evenings for yourself and your family, but you find yourself responding to emails and saying yes to last minute meeting invitations, understand your motivation. Maybe it is the belief that "good" employees are responsive, or that you desire to appear competent, or that you identify as (and most people compliment you for) "always being on".
In that scenario, ask yourself if it is valid that you are a bad employee if you wait until morning to respond. Get honest with yourself and the reality of whether or not waiting makes you incompetent or "less" of a responsive person.
Step 4 - Intentionally CHOOSE where you will focus, and communicate it accordingly. Maybe this is an emergency situation and responding to emails mid-dinner and jumping on an 8pm call is necessary. If so, then choose to do that and accept that you are not spending time with your family that evening.
The stress you feel when you don't enforce a boundary comes from the feeling of SHOULD.
When you are doing one thing but you think you SHOULD be doing something else, it creates stress. Once you definitively CHOOSE where to focus and accept the pros and cons of that decision, there is no more conflict. The stress of feeling like you should be in two places at one time dissipates because you are being intentional about your choice.
This may feel counter intuitive at first. And it doesn't mean you won't feel a different kind of stress once you say yes to that meeting and no to your family.
But what it means is that you are making a choice in the moment based on the best information you have. You are intentionally testing your default reasons for NOT enforcing your boundaries and making a choice based on reality instead of guilt, fear, obligation, etc.
And choosing a work meeting one night doesn't make you a "bad" partner or parent. However, if you abandon this boundary repeatedly, you must once again evaluate your reasons why and decide if it is really serving you. Are you the person you say you want to be? Or do you need to adjust your boundary to be more realistic with your current circumstances?
In order to enforce your boundaries you may need to have uncomfortable conversations with others or even create physical boundaries.
If your kids keep bursting into your office, maybe you need to lock it and ask them to text you if it is an emergency. If your colleagues keep texting you in the evening, let them know that you aren't responding to texts until morning or ask them to revert to email for non-emergency matters. If you need a minute to breathe in-between meetings, let your meeting organizers know that you will be consistently 5 minutes late and you will get up to speed once you arrive, and you will need to leave on time to prepare for your next meeting.
They may not like it. But pleasing everyone else isn't your job. Your job is to create a healthy, sustainable life that works for you. Which means you need time to yourself, time to replenish, time to focus on meaningful tasks, and time to connect with family and friends.
Trying to do all of that at the same time is a recipe for failure (and a lot of stress). Creating realistic boundaries around your time with intention and communicating that to others will help you.
These four steps aren't difficult. The difficult part is creating the new habit to actually do them. We all revert to our default mode most of the time, and especially when stressed with a dozen things demanding our attention. It takes a lot of effort to do something different than the way you always have.
So be realistic. Try this approach for a relatively easy boundary. Envision the benefits of keeping your boundary, identify the reasons why you don't enforce it, test the validity of those reasons, and then intentionally choose what you will do.
Do it over and over until enforcing that one boundary feels easier. Then implement another boundary that helps you focus more and stress less. Over time you can build a set of healthy boundaries that truly supports you and your goals.
Last but not least - let it go when you fail. Because you will. You will set a boundary, communicate it to others, be really sure of your ability to enforce it, and then cave. It happens. Nobody is perfect.
So when it does - let it go. Look at why you caved and try again the next time. You aren't bad at boundaries. You are good at boundaries, just not perfect at them. That's it.
You deserve to create a life that is healthy, sustainable, and fulfilling. You deserve to create and enforce healthy boundaries that serve you. Because when you are living with healthy boundaries, you THRIVE.
And when you thrive, everyone around you has the potential to thrive too.
Because they are getting the best of you instead of what's left of you.
Cheers to your freedom created from your healthy boundaries,
Sharon
PS - I want to emphasize the need for REALISTIC boundaries. Having one hour to yourself every evening might be your goal, but not currently realistic. But having 20 minutes to yourself in the morning, 30 minutes to yourself at lunchtime, and 30 minutes to yourself in the evening may be achievable, even if it shifts slightly day-to-day. This approach will give you more than an hour to yourself and might be a more realistic way of creating personal space. Over time, you can adjust your boundary to 1) meet your needs FIRST, and 2) meet the needs of your life (including family, work, and everyone else who relies on you.
Setting a boundary that you already know will be very difficult to keep sets you up for continued failure and disappointment. It doesn't mean you will never get there. I am recommending that you take some smaller steps first to help build your boundary-enforcing muscles.
Want help identifying your boundaries?
Get clear on where you want to spend your time and energy and the boundaries that will help you get there.
Schedule a free, confidential strategy call by CLICKING HERE (Choose Free Strategy Session), and we will find at least one concrete action for you to take as you explore setting and enforcing your desired boundaries. If you need more clarity on what a fulfilling, successful life looks like for YOU before deciding on your boundaries, then a Life Vision Intensive may be your best bet.
A Life Vision Intensive will help you discover your core values and define what a successful life looks like for you, personally and professionally. Your Life Vision document is a tool you can utilize to reduce decision fatigue, keep your intentions in focus, and help you decide which boundaries will be most helpful. The investment is $299 (for a limited time before it increases) and you can schedule it easily by CLICKING HERE (Choose Life Vision Intensive). For more information, CLICK HERE.
Former clients still reference their Life Vision document years later and have shared how much it has helped them make decisions that are aligned with the life they always wanted.
Life is too short to keep putting off what you really want. Don't stay stuck feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and unsatisfied. I've helped so many improve their happiness, well-being, and success because they chose to schedule a call and take one step towards the life of their dreams. I can help you too.
