Living Through Loss and Grief
Living through Loss
Loss sucks. And it hurts. Whether it is losing a loved one, a partner, a job, financial security, or the life we thought we would have - it stops us in our tracks as the world around us keeps moving. Today I'm sharing the 5 stages of grief that you are probably familiar with and exploring the 6th stage - MEANING. *I've taken a few excerpts from this in-depth article: The Sixth Stage of Grief by Quinton Skinner. I highly recommend reading it, but I've summarized it below along with my own experiences in grief and loss. *
Making Meaning
On Death and Dying, the influential book by the Swiss American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, introduced her theory of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
These five stages likely resonate with almost anyone who’s experienced grief, from the initial shock to grasping the irreversibility of the loss.
Kübler-Ross never meant for the stages to be perceived as a set of orderly steps. She was dismayed by how the framework was often presented as a sequential description of something we usually experience in a more elliptical way.
“They’re not a map, they’re not linear,” says death and grief expert David Kessler, who worked closely with Kübler-Ross. “There’s no one way to grieve, and there’s more to death and grief than just the five stages.”
Enter the 6th stage - making meaning.
This is so important. There is no end to grief - we learn how to live alongside it. Research shows that people can live with grief and loss and still have a good life.
One of the ways we can start to move forward is to find meaning. Few would choose loss as the catalyst for a search for meaning, but for grief to be processed in a healthy way, we have to allow ourselves to dig deep — and to grow.
“There is a concept called posttraumatic growth, which occurs after a terrible loss, adversity, or trauma in life,” says Emily Esfahani Smith, author of The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed With Happiness. “People who grow tend to spend time thinking about what happened, trying to make sense of it, not shying away from the sadness and the pain but leaning into it. This is a natural, adaptive process. It’s a good way to handle things, if the other option is to give in to despair.”
Esfahani Smith defines four crucial elements for the way humans create meaning in their lives: belonging, purpose, storytelling, and transcendence. By integrating a feeling of community with a daily mission, wed to a positive narrative about our lives and a sense of connection to something larger than ourselves, we alchemize a way forward.
This all takes time. It can't be rushed. Meaning can be found in the big and little things. And it is important to let ourselves feel along the journey.
Death and grief expert David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, explains what meaning is and is not, with regard to grief.
Meaning is relative and personal.
Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months, or even years, after a loss.
Meaning does not require understanding. Understanding isn’t necessary.
Even when you do find meaning, you will not feel that it was worth the cost of what you lost.
Your loss is not a test, a lesson, or something to handle. It is also not a gift.
Only you can find your own meaning.
Meaningful connections can heal painful memories.
We've all experienced loss. This week is heavy for me, as I lost my father on Apr 15 (11 years ago) and his birthday is Apr 22. Even knowing he had an incurable disease (Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis), his death was unexpected as he hadn't declined that significantly.
I've made meaning of his loss - honoring his life, gratitude for the fact that he went quickly and didn't spend years declining, sharing memories with my children, and most importantly - caring more for my health. As much as his was an autoimmune disease, his smoking and unhealthy lifestyle didn't help.
I've lost my identity a few times - once when I stopped drinking (no more party girl) and again when I left my corporate accounting role (no more fancy title). The meaning and growth that has come out of those experiences reinforced that I can continue to evolve and forge a new, better path ahead. My future is not defined by my identity at any given point in time.
Losing our home and community in 2022 to Hurricane Ian taught me that no matter what is taken, I can figure things out alongside my family and friends. It gave new meaning to strong relationships, having savings to fall back on, and how meaningless "stuff" really is when push comes to shove.
I'm sharing all of this because so many people close to me are experiencing loss and grief. And it sucks. And it is hard. And I wish I could swoop in and make it all go away.
But I can't. The grief will stay. But as they say, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. And you will suffer less is you can give yourself grace as you navigate the six stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Meaning.
Whatever it is you are grieving, you are not alone. And whatever you need to create meaning; it will come to you. Be open to your feelings, your thoughts, and keep moving forward.
On my toughest days, work was actually my savior. Sure, I didn't want to do it. It felt utterly meaningless. But it was the one thing that allowed my emotions to rest and take my mind off the pain.
Find a way to make it through that doesn't destroy your life. Working to avoid pain may not be the healthiest strategy, but it sure beats eating, drinking, drugs, and other self-destructive behaviors.
Find your support system, find your coping mechanisms, and find meaning.
Cheers to more meaningful days ahead,
Sharon
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