Identity Crisis - Who Are You?

Your Identity is Who You Are

And it generally dictates what you do and don't do.  You undoubtedly fill multiple roles in life - partner, spouse, parent, colleague, boss, friend, volunteer, caregiver, etc.  How you choose to identify yourself is key to helping you make decisions, but it can also get in the way when trying to create new habits or a life that looks different than what it is today.  So who are you?  And how does it serve you?

Identifying with Your Future Self

How do you describe yourself to people?  

I always find this interesting.  Some people start with their role in a family (I'm a mom/dad or wife/husband/partner), some people start with their career (I'm the head of x dept), some people start with their hobby (I'm an avid snowboarder and nature lover), and others start with other aspects of their lives.

How you identify yourself is one way to tell others who you are, but as you say this out loud, you are also telling YOURSELF who you are.  And when you tell yourself something, you listen. 

This is important to recognize because your identity drives your behavior (in most cases).  If you describe yourself as an animal lover, then stopping to help an injured turtle on the side of the road is something you would do because it aligns with how you see yourself.  

If you describe yourself as always on time, then stopping to help an animal on your way to a meeting might not even cross your mind because your identity as punctual is most relevant and there is nothing in your identity holding you to help animals.

This doesn't make one right and one wrong - it just makes everyone different.

Since your identity drives your behavior, it is really important to get clear on who you WANT TO BE, not just who you are today.

If you want to be healthy through being active, you can't continue to identify as a "couch potato", "Netflix binger", or "too tired for exercise".  Even if this is your current reality, restating it and reinforcing your connection to this identity will keep you where you are instead of helping you reach your new health goals.

If you identify as a "quick responder who is always on" at work, it may earn you praise but also keep you from being able to focus on the deeper, more meaningful work that requires you to ignore your emails for a couple hours.  It can also keep you from being present with your family, causing more stress and discontent.

If you keep saying you are busy, you will keep taking on more stuff because it fits with your identity as a busy person.  You may be stressed, overwhelmed, and hate it - but you still identify with it.  And the more you identify with it, the more true it becomes.

It is hard to change a habit if you identify with the old behavior.  Put another way, the easiest way to change your habits is to identify with the new identity that you want to have.

It may feel uncomfortable at first.  Especially when it doesn't feel real yet.  When I started yoga, it felt like a stretch to call myself a yogi.  I mean, I generally laughed at coworkers when they told me they would wake up at 6am to go to a class and I'd even make comments thinking I was funny. "Well luckily namaste Susan is here with her grounded self, bring us some zen Susan."  Ouch.

When I kept identifying as unathletic and uncoordinated, it made going to yoga class feel really hard, uncomfortable, and like I didn't belong.  Because I was self-identifying as NOT yoga-like.

When I started telling people out loud that "I do yoga" (still couldn't bring myself to be a yogi), it made the decision to leave work on time and go to yoga class easier.  I was acting like someone who did yoga - I was taking action in alignment with who I said I was.  (So funny to realize now years later I am a certified yoga instructor and a total yogi!)

If you identify as the quick responder who is always on, but you are lacking balance and focus in your life, try to find an identity that aligns with your desired future state.

You can still be diligent and responsive.  You can also be thoughtful and balanced. And you can find the right way to present yourself, such as "a thoughtful responder who navigates times of urgency with the importance of slowing down".

I used to have an identity of "being on top of things".  I took pride in the fact that I was the first to respond or have the answer.  But after awhile, that identity fed my ego but drained every other aspect of my life - my time, my energy, my focus, and my ability to enjoy the moment.

By moving away from my identity as a fast-paced, always on top of things person, I was able to create the vision of me that I wanted to be.  It took time, but now I'm confident in my new identity.  

I don't need to be the first to respond in order to feel valued.  I don't need to be perfect in order to feel worthy. 

I need to be myself while supporting others.  That is my identity - a woman who is genuine, caring, and loves to connect with others for mutual support, respect and fun.  It is who I am with my family, my friends, my clients, and my colleagues.  

I also identify as healthy and active.  I am not always those things.  But I identify as an active person who has some lazy days instead of a lazy person who works out once in a while.  And that makes all the difference.

So right now, think about your future self, a new habit you want to start, or an old habit you want to break.  Who do you want to be this holiday season?  And into 2025?

Come up with a sentence that encompasses your desired identity.  Start saying it out loud and really identifying with it.  Share it with everyone you meet.  Think about what it would feel like to actually be that person.  

Healthy.
Happy.
Calm.
Present.
Successful.
Confident.
Energized.

The more you identify with it, the more your behavior will resemble it, and the easier it will be to take on the new habits that will get you to where you want to be.

It doesn't happen in a day.  It takes time to sink in.  But before you know it, you will be talking, thinking, and ACTING as the person you want to be, because you will BE that person.  Your new identity will be your identity - period.

I do want to mention here that this is about desired change, because YOU truly want to change. 

This is NOT about changing who you are to meet someone else's need.  If you are loud, and you like who you are, you don't need to change your identity to a quiet person and then live a life that feels like you are always dimming your light to fit in.

But if you are loud because it comes from a place of insecurity about not being heard and you want to shift into speaking from a place of calm confidence, you can change how you identify.  

You can start to talk about yourself as the person in the room that is the most confident or most centered, instead of identifying as the loudest person in the room.

You can change how you identify yourself.  It doesn't make you a hypocrite.  It doesn't make you less "real".  It makes you an evolved human who adapts to the ever-changing world as you grow. 

So share your identity with me!  Send me an email and if you aren't clear on how to describe yourself, send me an identity you want to let go of, and together we can find the thing that is most helpful for you as you move forward.

Alignment of who you are, how you talk about yourself, and your actions feels so good.  There isn't resistance or second-guessing when it is all aligned.  There is just BEING the amazing, fabulous YOU that you are.

Cheers to living into your true identity,
Sharon

Clarify Your Identity

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