Facing Fear Successfully
Facing Fear
Fear makes us procrastinate, react, get defensive, and often keeps us from living a life we love. And OMG there is so much fear and confusion right now. There are productive ways to face your fear to improve outcomes and move forward with less stress, anxiety, and white-knuckle gripping. This isn't about being fearless, but instead, about less fear. So what helps you reduce fear?
Fear. Less.
No one is completely fearless, so let's just drop that concept right now.
Everyone experiences fear at some point. Some people let it derail them, others shove it down and pretend it doesn't exist, some escape it through their addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, scrolling, gambling), and still others face it in a productive, healthy way so that they can move forward. This last way is what I am here to share details about.
Fear is a healthy emotion to help keep us safe when danger is present. But our mind misinterprets what is "safe" and "unsafe" all the time based on our past experiences, societal expectations, comparison, and our own state of health (being tired or overwhelmed with non-stop news, for example, might reduce our fear threshold). In order to keep fear in the healthy, keeping-you-safe mode, you have to intentionally evaluate it.
The secret ingredient to facing (and decreasing) fear = CURIOSITY. (I know you thought it was going to be bravery or courage - but it's not!) When a fear-inducing event happens, our fight-flight-freeze mode activates, and we identify with the feeling. We might even say "I am afraid".
But when we get curious about our feelings, we put a space between ourselves and the fear. We can say "I'm noticing I feel afraid" or better yet, "I wonder what this fear is telling me". Instead of identifying as being afraid, we identify as being curious about the fear.
That level of curiosity is the difference maker! Exploring what this fear means takes it out of the body and into the mind. Questions can be asked, things can be observed, and it can be evaluated more logically.
The fears that plague most people are related to finances, a sense of belonging, health, their future, and the wellbeing of the people they love. And of course - things we can't control. Right now, A LOT feels out of our control. Basically, it always boils back down to survival, even if it is 15 layers under the initial, superficial fear.
A fear of public speaking is often around the fear of messing up, being negatively judged, being considered "less than", and resulting in a loss of respect, job, or belonging, feeding into further fears of isolation, not being able to afford to live, and dying alone.
All of those cascading connections happen subconsciously and within milliseconds, so we don't always know that is why it is so fear-inducing. We just know we don't want to do it, so most times we don't. And while avoiding public speaking may not hold you back from the life of your dreams, many of your other fears may be doing just that.
Fear is present for many things in life including asking for a raise or promotion, telling someone you love them without knowing if they love you back, making a change in your life or relationship status, changing your organization or career, taking on new responsibilities, deciding to take the plunge into parenthood, changing your geographic location, etc.
And if you let fear sit in the front seat and keep you from moving forward on all of those things, you will be living a life so under your potential, you will likely feel depressed, blah, and uninspired.
But when you stay curious, you can get to the core of your fear much faster. In the public speaking example, the questions may be "Why is this making me sweat?", "Who is the audience?", "What could go wrong?", "What could go right?", "What is the worst case scenario if this goes wrong?", "What is the likelihood of the worst case scenario?", "Who can support me?", "What/who do I need in the room to preserve my calm?", and "Is this worth moving forward?".
Once you start asking questions, the fear starts to lose its power. Instead of fear taking the wheel and driving you away, you sit in the driver's seat and look your passenger in the face (I always imagine a dark blob) and ask it where it thinks you should go.
Then you get to decide - does fear get to ride shotgun with you the whole way? Or does it get put in the back seat? Maybe all the way in the 3rd row seating with a DVD player in front of him to keep quiet.
I'm not saying you have to kick him out. Every once in awhile he may see a pothole from the 3rd row and scream up to warn you. "Thank you fear, you saved me a tire!" But you are no longer letting fear navigate.
You are FACING your fear and asking it intelligent questions. And fear usually shrinks under intelligent questions because there is often very little intelligence in your fear. If it is a valid fear, the answers will help guide you. If it is useless, holding-you-back fear, the answers will help you move THROUGH it.
So how easy is this to do in the moment? Not easy. Ugh! Which is why so many of us aren't great at this. It takes practice. And it is easier to get curious about fear if you make curiosity your go-to with most emotions.
Happy? Curiosity. Sad? Curiosity. Hungry? Curiosity. Anxious? Curiosity. In my experience, curiosity doesn't hurt you. The whole "curiosity killed the cat thing" is for cats, and you are human. An amazing, intelligent, wonderful human that is way too smart to be the only thing holding you back from the life you want.
I'm having a lot of conversations with clients who are afraid about their future. Whether it is a removal or rights, a scary diagnosis, loss of their job due to recent executive orders, or loss of their home due to CA fires, these are BIG fears.
When we dig in, it is fear of not having control over their future. And I hate to say this, but they never did have control over their future. None of us do.
We have expectations and hopes and things we've worked hard for. And it is natural to feel sad and afraid and angry and overwhelmed when those expectations are crushed. We don't have control over a lot of things in life. The only thing we can control is how we respond.
When we got curious about what was in their control, we came up with responses that helped them move through their fear. They included moments to deep breathe, exploring visa opportunities in other countries, evaluating treatment options, updating their resume, joining local groups to find belonging and safety, and exploring options and the cost of living in different cities.
These women put themselves back in the driver's seat of their lives. Not flawlessly. And that is ok. Do the best you can. Try. Practice. Ask questions. Cry, shake, scream if you have to. And then face it again. (Maybe try shoving it back with an umbrella - tools help!)
Feel your fear, face your fear, ask it questions, and then put it in the back seat. This isn't about moving forward fearlessly - this is about moving forward with less fear, and more answers.
Because you deserve to enjoy this life you are working so hard for. Don't let your fear be the thing holding you back from enjoying what is right in front of you.
Cheers to fearing-less,
Sharon
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