Do You Want to be Right, or Happy?
Do You Want to be Right or Happy?
They aren't mutually exclusive but asking yourself this question will help you reduce a lot of wasted time and stress, and help you create focus and joy. How? By giving up our need to prove ourselves (by being right, or by adhering to an outdated mindset, etc) we allow ourselves to choose what ACTUALLY brings us joy in this moment. Practice in order to enjoy the holidays and approach the new year in a totally new light!
What is REALLY in your way?
We all have an ego. A healthy ego gives us a sense of identify and purpose. An unchecked, unhealthy ego keeps us in judgment of ourselves and others and is constantly keeping track of being "right", often times at the expense of our happiness.
Being right hits the reward center of our brain. When you argue and win, your brain floods with different hormones: adrenaline and dopamine, which makes you feel good, dominant, even invincible. It is a feeling most of us want to replicate, so we get addicted to being right.
But like sugar, cocaine, alcohol, and seeing likes on our social media - all of which hit the same reward centers of the brain - it becomes toxic. What causes immediate pleasure eventually causes long-term pain at the expense of our overall joy and happiness.
So how do you combat this?
First by recognizing it. Every time you are about to "fight" with someone, or continue an argument because they just "have to" see it your way, consider the real impact.
Is winning this argument going to change that person's mind? Is voicing your disgust about a project or product going to make any difference to the decision makers? Is writing that dissenting comment on social media going to result in any real change?
The question keeps coming back to this: Do I want to be right, or happy?
In other words - do I need to prove my superiority and win in order to feel good? Or is there another way to feel fulfilled?
I took the Yale Science of Well-Being course and the science proves that the things that make you happy (assuming you are meeting your basic human needs of food, safety, and shelter) are:
Activity
Eating healthy
Experiences
Meaningful connections/relationships
A feeling of purpose
This is a very non-exciting, not sexy list. These things do hit the reward center of the brain slowly over time, but not in the flooding, addicting way like being right or a new car.
Yet society will lead us to believe that the perfect house, car, partner, and lots and lots of stuff will make us WAYYYYYY happier. It is a consumerism lie. It just isn't true.
But because most of us have aligned our identities and egos with attaining these things, we can't stop. We can't allow ourselves to rest, invest in deeper connections and purpose, and truly enjoy life because we just don't believe it is the path to success and happiness.
And the brain reward center doesn't help us because it reinforces that being right about these beliefs feels good NOW!
You know what helps you to let go of all of this short-term pleasure chasing?
Therapy. Coaching. Introspection. Rejuvenation. Accountability. Support.
Ugh - also not sexy!
You know why it is so hard for so many to start therapy (or any type of support)?
Because they would rather be right than happy!!
They would rather live into their belief that "only the weak need help" or that in order to be strong they must be able "to take care of themselves". They think if they just keep working harder, eventually happiness will come.
All societal lies. All tricks of the brain. Yet so very convincing.
It is the same reason we keep doing things even if it doesn't add to our fulfillment and joy.
We say we want presence, but we scroll on social media and check emails.
We say we want presence, but we numb through drinking, TV binging, etc.
We say we want to feel healthy, but we choose work meetings over activity.
We say we want to eat healthier, but we invest in "stuff" instead of food prep services.
We say we want peace, but we engage and re-engage in arguing with family and friends on social media. (The need to be right is STRONG!)
We say we want mental health, but we refuse to get support to heal our past.
We say we want to have fun, but we choose things we think we have to do over things that bring us joy.
We say a lot of things, but we do something else. It is hard to go against the brain's desire to be right. It is hard to change habits. But it is worth it.
If you want more fulfillment and joy, you need to get over being right (about your existing habits/life) and open yourself up to new possibilities.
You need to open yourself up to being happy without needing to prove it to anyone else.
Ask yourself what energizes you. Ask yourself who you feel best around. Ask yourself where your time and focus make a difference (vs. where it is just busy and distracted).
Answer this question 100 times a day - Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? It is going to help you enjoy the holidays, trust me!
Cheers to an abundance of happiness and health this season,
Sharon
PS - I will admit this is HARD for me! I want to be right because it feeds into my belief that I am capable and smart. I have worked hard to uncouple my own sense of capability with having to prove it externally. I know I'm capable and smart. And I know what makes me happy. Do I still get triggered and spend time trying to prove to others or myself that I'm right? Sure. But it is a lot less than I used to. Why? Because I have invested in support for years to help me decouple these things. Would I prefer to tell you I did it all on my own? Of course! But here's the thing - the people that are most successful don't do it entirely on their own. They get the help they need, move past their obstacles, and succeed.
Invest in YOU. You are worth it.
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